"Don't ask, don't tell" was (is?) the shorthand used to deal with homosexuality in the US Military.
For those of a nervous disposition, don't worry. This isn't about my sexuality, an announcement regarding my orientation or even sex. I just want to use that neat little phrase to explain something as it applies to my condition.
I know that some people are concerned that I may becoming withdrawn, that I'm not as gregarious as I may once have appeared (truth be told I never have been an outgoing sort of bod. I'm much more sparing, inclined to ration-out myself. More it has to be admitted in an effort to not inflict myself upon others than anything else).
In this context "don't ask, don't tell" is best described by Christopher Hichens in his last epistle to the world, he writes about dealing with the question "How are you?" He writes:
'But it's not really possible to adopt a stance of "Don't ask, don't tell," either. Like its original, this is a prescription for hypocrisy and double standards. Friends and relatives, obviously, don't really have the option of not making kind enquiries. One way of trying to put them at their ease is to be as candid as possible and not to adopt any sort of euphemism or denial.'
I find myself just avoiding contact with people. I do understand that such enquiries are genuinely meant. That the emotion is not prurient or anything other than a real desire to know and to extend sympathy. Some may feel that not asking will be misread as apathy or worse.
How do you answer? Is the "How are you" really just another way of saying hello? Is the question posited in the expectation of a detailed answer? A short, "I'm okay thank you" might leave the interlocutor feeling shut-out, kept at arms length. Launching into the minutiae of hot flushes, debilitating torpor and aches might cause the questioner to regret asking.
There are a handful of perceptive people who don't ask. They just treat me as they always have, they never begin any meeting or telephone conversation with that awkward question. It's not that they don't care or don't want to know, rather they know that there's no need to ask, that not asking won't be misunderstood as not caring and that if I feel the need to say how I'm feeling I'm comfortable to do so.
I don't care if someone doesn't care either. I certainly wouldn't think badly of anyone not caring. In some ways it may even be preferable, it spares me the responsibility of knowing that others are affected.
This isn't an instruction or a plea to act in opposition to one's natural inclinations, rather it's my explanation for seeming to withdraw slightly and a plea that it's understood in that context. No slight is intended by me and I hope that none is taken.
